Ending the Cycle of Abuse in Indian Country: Part 3 - The other victims of domestic abuse

By Alyssa Kelly
(In this four part series, the different facets of abuse in Indian Country are explored with resources for combating them all.)

A Child Caught in the Crossfire

Children are often in the crossfire of domestic abuse and are sometimes on the receiving end of violence. Domestic abuse among the parents can lead to physical, psychological, emotional and even spiritual trauma that can, and most often does, turn up in adult relationships. Children in abusive households also may engage the children in power struggles between the parents and are used as pawns. Dynamics of domestic abuse publicly focus on the abused and the abuser, and the 'collateral damage,' the children, sometimes fall through the cracks.

"I think my distrust and dislike for men can be traced back from my mother who raised me almost as a single parent. For some reason I always thought being independent meant never depending on men or seeing them as a whole person. In my adult life, if I even thought a man was capable of beating me physically, I would dump him and get away from the relationship. More often than not, if I saw traits that I didn't like in a man I would immediately leave the relationship. I want to make it clear that I, myself, was never abused. At least not physically," says Jennifer before telling her story.

"When I was about nine years old, I had to go stay with my dad and my step-mom for a weekend. All my other siblings were out staying with other kids or had other plans," Jennifer recalls. "I went to sleep in the upstairs bedroom alone, while they were asleep downstairs. I was scared so I kept a night-light on and I really couldn't sleep anyway and suddenly the light went out. I immediately woke-up after hearing noises downstairs. I went down to see what was going on and I'll never forget what I saw. In pitch-dark, bawled up on the couch in her t-shirt and panties, was my step-mom rocking back and forth. She kept repeating, 'He's crazy, he's crazy.' I remember being scared because she was scared."

"They (her father and step-mother) were fighting and he turned the breakers for all the lights in the house off, which was why there was no lights. He was back in the bedroom, while she was still crying on the couch and she told me to help her. I could only stare at her because I was so scared and I didn't want to say anything. I told her, 'I'm too small to help but if you're really scared, let's leave.' At that hour there was nowhere else to go. She didn't say anything for a minute and then she looked at me and told me, 'go back to bed.' Which is what I did, but in walking up the stairs, I started to get angry by the fourth step. I turned around and went back down. I stopped in the middle of the living room and yelled towards my dad and said: "You're a chicken! Quit fighting my step-mom!"

The next day, he brought us to breakfast and my step-mom had sunglasses on. He acted like nothing had happened the night before. When they dropped me back off with my mom, I told her I never wanted to go there again. She asked me why and I wouldn't tell her. She just said that was ok, because I didn't talk about it. Later on, when I was older, my mom told me he used to beat her and that is why she left him. I told her about what happened and she said she knew something had happened because I never treated my dad the same after that."

" I guess that's why I never trusted men or even really like them to the point of having a real relationship and staying with them, until I finally found a man who is in my life now. He changed my mind about how men can be. I never really thought it affected me that much, until the man I'm with now, helped me to sort things out because he, himself, had issues with being beaten by his father. He told me that what happened wasn't my fault. People, including men, are not perfect and my dad probably never meant to hurt my mom or step-mom. I had to let go of the past."

Children are the hope for the future in ending the cycle of violence. Children living in a violent home have several risks to their welfare that children in non-violent homes do not have. They need a safe and loving environment. The emotional and mental turmoil caused by witness to domestic violence is a form of child abuse.

For more information on children affected by domestic abuse you can visit the website: www.childadvocates.org. There is also local help and protection offered to both children and victims through the Crime Victim's Advocate program at 675-2700 (extension: 1194). The local Tribal Mental Health Center offers counseling of all circumstances including child trauma, the number is 745-4363.

The Silent Victim

In the minority of domestic violence are male victims. Domestic violence against men is not uncommon, but rarely reported.

Growing up, Paul was witness to his mother being abused by his father. "No matter what happened, my mom never would fight back," he recalls. One evening, Paul's parents were fighting following a party and on a night that seemed to be so ordinary, something was different. "I'm the oldest out of all of my brothers and sisters and I was the only one awake. I was listening to them fight when I heard a gun being loaded," Paul recalls. Something had snapped in his mother on this particular fight and she was planning to shoot his father. "Even though I didn't see it, I could hear it, and in my mind I could imagine what was happening. I just prayed so hard that nothing would happen. I remember praying really hard," said Paul. That night nothing did happen and no one was seriously hurt. The next morning, Paul went into his parents room to find bullet shells all across the floor. "Maybe it was the prayers that helped," he says.

One morning Paul and his wife were getting ready for work when an argument erupted. "Our fights were usually over stupid things that couples argue about." During the argument, Paul was holding their two-year-old son when his wife attacked him. She continuously punched Paul and all he could do was block her blows the best he could with his free arm. When he had the chance, Paul put his son down and then pushed her away from him. "I've never hit her but I did push her." Eventually the couple made up after that fight but Paul didn't receive the apology he was expecting. "She just told me, 'well you shouldn't have made me do that.' I'm not perfect and maybe I carried something on too long or too far. But I took my half of the responsibility and I thought she should take hers too," said Paul.

"In my own opinion, most woman can't physically take on a man and win. But they can say things that cut deeper and you can't take those things back," says Paul. One day Paul and his wife were taking a drive when an argument arose. His wife grew angry and began punching him while he was driving. "All I could do was block her and try to steer. Her punches weren't light; they were real blows," he says. Like before, the couple made up and Paul never received an apology.

"I really like going to pow-wows and when I'm there, I usually stay until it's over late at night," says Paul. His wife would want to leave earlier and at times Paul couldn't respect her wishes on going. "She slept in the car until I was ready to go. I think she was sleeping in the car and thinking about it and getting angry. When I came back she wanted to fight. I guess it was because I wasn't taking care of her needs," he says. Like before, she attacked him while driving and like before, he received no apology.

The last abusive fight, which was nearer to the end of their relationship, the couple was taking a trip with their children and they were in a public place. They began arguing over their children's public behavior when Paul was surprisingly attacked. Paul is a very private person and fighting in public was something he didn't take part in. "I don't know what was more embarrassing, her attack or everyone watching her attack me," says Paul.

The couple never drank or used drugs so there were never any fights caused as a result of substances. "After our fights, I would need to cool down before I could talk to her about it. I didn't like to fight with her, I didn't even like to argue with her because they hurt too. I faced the pain of our fights full-on with no drugs or alcohol. I smudged and smoked tobacco to ease that pain," said Paul.

"I guess I don't consider myself an abused man because I've only been in four instances in ten years. I overheard someone talking and they said 'Some women deserve to get beat because of who they are or how they are,' I don't agree with that, no woman deserves to get beat-up. Even if the man is getting attacked, it's best to get away. I know for some men it's hard to leave their children, but sometimes when it's too bad, it's better just to get away," says Paul.

It is not uncommon for men to become victims of domestic abuse. The abuse often goes unreported and for that reason, there is yet to be an accurate analysis of the statistics on abused men. According towww.batteredmen.com, men are less likely to report their abuse because of shame and the stereotype of gender roles. Men usually stay in abusive relationships for the same circumstances abused women stay in abusive relationships. (Example: children, love, security, etc.) Most men feel as though woman-on-man abuse is more accepted in society and for that reason, abused men receive a lot of scrutiny. They are criticized and usually need to prove their abuse is happening. There are also a lot less help resources for abused men in comparison to abused women.

If you are a man in an abusive relationship you can seek the same assistance battered women receive through the local crime victim's advocate program. For more information on the CVA or if you need help, you can contact their program through the toll free number: 1 (877) 231-5172, the CVA office: 675-2700 (extension: 1180), or evenings at: 675-4700.