On the escape route: what drives meth users

By Maggie Plummer

The media is full of reports on how dangerous methamphetamine is and the devastation it is causing, especially among tribal families on Indian reservations.

But what's at the heart of this? What drives people to use and abuse methamphetamine?

What drove Theresa, a 41-year-old recovering meth addict, were depression, self-esteem problems, and wanting to avoiding feelings of guilt and shame.

"My answer was always running away," she said. "The drug makes you feel like you can do anything, you know, clean a whole house in a few minutes. In reality you're scattered, getting nothing accomplished. Meth gives you a feeling of power, or superiority."

She used meth off and on for seven years and wound up in the Montana Women's Prison in Billings.

She was 30 when she first tried the drug, influenced by family members and friends. Before that one night, she'd refused to try meth because she was scared of hard drugs.

"I don't know why that night I did it," she said, shaking her head. "I felt like I was a single parent, always at home alone with three little ones. I was in an abusive relationship, was partying that night and decided, 'I'm gonna try it, just a little bit.' But I liked it. I played cards, visited with people, it was just fun. I snorted it, and it burned. It took about 10 or 15 minutes to take effect, then I just talked and talked and talked, not a care in the world, all night till about 5 a.m."

Her husband had been using for years and she didn't know. "I noticed he was getting angrier and angrier, a shorter fuse," she said, "and more and more jealous of me, my whereabouts, what I was doing. I couldn't even go to the grocery store without him being so jealous."

Then, once he saw she could use meth, he offered it to her again and again.

And she took it.

Theresa lost weight, but considers herself lucky because she never learned to cook it and she used it lightly. She has no physical scars like teeth or skin problems. "Mine were emotional damages," she explains. "I lost my kids but I got them back...it's tough."

After about five months of using, she became suicidal, ran to a mental health counselor, and made a plan to move to Portland, Oregon, to escape her violent husband. There, she quit using for eight months and went to a family-based treatment center that allowed her to have her children, except for the oldest one. "I lost him to his paternal grandparents," she said, "which added more pain to what I was already feeling."

She got mixed up with meth again in Portland, this time shooting up. "I came home and used on and off for the next six and a half years until I got in trouble," she said.

Now she has a full time job, is a full time parent, and will soon be a full time student at SKC. "My family has everything to do with me being free of meth," she pointed out. "They never gave up on me, even though the system did."

Theresa feels that the "not even once" anti-meth slogan applies particularly to those who have addictive personalities, emotional problems, or mental problems. "If you're at a weak point in your life, and you choose to use it, it can take over you, it makes you feel that good," she said. "That's when people can be influenced or affected the most."

She thinks alcohol can be a gateway drug to meth use, depending on how weak a person is.

She admits that she has used alcohol to come off the meth. "I have to set limits," she added. "I have to be careful."

She had to look inside and figure out what she was trying to avoid. There was plenty: a father who committed suicide when she was five; being molested and treated badly by a stepfather, beginning when she was 11; a mother who wasn't affectionate or nurturing; then the abusive marriage.

The most helpful tool in her recovery has been a prison class called "Cognitive Principles and Restructuring." There, she learned to acknowledge her thoughts and feelings, so that instead of impulsively acting on them, she could be aware of consequences, and change her thinking.

"If I can get through prison, visitation with my kids, therapy three times a week, chemical dependency counseling twice a month, and parole visits, I can do anything," she said. "Anything is possible."