Ending the cycle of violence in Indian Country - Part 1

By Alyssa Kelly

Kim Azure, of Tribal Mental Health, has a theory about the prevalence of violence in Native communities: "Violence is a way of life in the Native community and it began during colonization." Throughout documented history, nearly every hardship Natives have faced was extremely violent and traumatic. From abuse, (on all levels) to survival of genocide, present-day Natives are still feeling the aftershock of what happened to their ancestors. As a result, what are the new hardships we as a people face to overcome? It's mental barriers caused by a cycle of abuse and it is possible to rise-above.

Domestic violence is a very serious epidemic in Indian country and it not only affects the families involved but the Native community as a whole. According to the Indian Country Child Trauma Center, demographically speaking, Native Americans have a higher rate of domestic violence in comparison to other ethnic groups in the U.S; however, there is hope. According to the same studies, it was concluded that Native Americans have a higher success rate in response to counseling and overcoming domestic violence. A big support of the success rate was a result of being re-introduced to Native culture and values.

Despite the current conditions, violence against women is not a traditional value amongst Native people. "Pre-colonization women in the tribe were respected as equals to the men, if not more valued for their ability to create life," says Susie Coughren, an elder and program manager of the local Crime Victim's Advocate program. With the introduction of English customs came the theory that women were of less value in comparison men. According to a report called "The Historical Perspective," a man named Sir William Blackstone wrote the "Commentaries on the Laws of England," which had great influence on early American colonies. He saw nothing wrong with the laws, which allowed a man to chastise his wife. In fact, he found the laws to be "quite moderate."

According to the same report, in the 1870's women were finally recognized as human beings with certain rights and in North Carolina, the Rule of Thumb was created. The Rule of Thumb declared that men could beat their wives, but the switch they used to do it could be no bigger than their thumb. The courts made it clear that if the beatings inflicted did not cause permanent damage to the women, their complaints would be considered trivial and it would be better for them to hide the abuse from the public. "This attitude still prevails among many people today."

On the Flathead reservation, 1 in 10 people are either victims of domestic abuse, abusers themselves, or witnesses to abuse. The following story is from a local native. (Names have been changed for privacy reasons)

A Woman's Worth:

Stacy grew up in a violent environment where her father was abusive towards her mother as well as another girlfriend. "With my mom, I think he almost killed her. His ex-girlfriend though, she held her own and would fight back. All the time that this was going on I remember thinking: I'll never be with a man that hits me," she recalls.

Stacy was raised in a traditional upbringing and was a strong, popular young woman with dreams of going to college. People in the community respected her because she was very outspoken. She met her boyfriend when she was thirteen years old and like her, he too was popular and respected in the community. Then, at the age of seventeen, Stacy became pregnant. "Everyone was surprised that I was pregnant. People that knew me would come up to me and say things like: I didn't even know you were having sex. But it wasn't like we (her boyfriend and herself) were just having a good time and I got pregnant. He said that if I loved him, I would have his baby."

Only three months into her pregnancy, the abuse began. Stacy's boyfriend held her down on a bed and continuously hit her across the face so hard it left a hand-imprints and goose bumps. "I bit him on his side as hard as I could so that I could get away from him. I left him for about a week after that happened," she recalls.

In comparison to other teenage girls Stacy grew into a woman quite soon, with the birth of her son Verle. She got her own home and began her family with her boyfriend but the abuse didn't end. "When I had my baby, in my beliefs, my son is my mate for life. I did everything I was taught a woman should do. I took care of my home, I cooked, and I took care of my family; but he still didn't change. He just got more possessive." Stacy continued being abused and eventually she heard he was unfaithful. Despite the mistreatment, she held on for the sake of not wanting to be a single parent at the age of seventeen and through it all, she hid it from her family and friends.

Because of the infidelity, Stacy didn't like her boyfriend touching her. "Sometimes when we were having sex, I would just cry and wish it to be over with." People in the community thought Stacy to be a young naive girl; sitting at home alone while her boyfriend cheated. "They had no idea what I was really going through."

"I don't blame only him for his cheating. I really didn't know how to show love the way that he wanted it. I didn't hug him all the time or kiss him when he got home and I guess that was what he was looking for in those other women. I didn't know how to love. I didn't come from an affectionate family and I didn't know how to express love in that way. I was raised harshly, like whatever my parents said I did. I expressed my love for him through keeping a good home and raising our baby," Stacy said.

As time went on the abuse had gotten worse along with his possessive behavior. "You know, I really don't now why I let myself live like that. He got to the point where I wasn't allowed to see my family anymore. I say allowed because I had to ask to go anywhere or see anyone," Stacy recalls. He later began beating her publicly. "He used to jerk me by my hair all the time. Once I was choked out for someone else asking me why I stayed with him. It got to the point where I just asked people: please don't talk to me or look at me anymore in front of him."

By the age of twenty-one, the abuse inflicted on Stacy had escalated to him fighting her like she was a man. "I had a black eye for a whole year once because he cracked my cheek-bone. I told people I got elbowed while playing ball." At one point he even pulled a gun on her. "During that time, I remember praying a lot," Stacy recalls.

All the while, Stacy's then "mother in-law" was a very skilled domestic violence caseworker. "His mother and I were very close, but I would never let her call the cops on him or anything like that because I knew I was going to stay. I didn't want to make a big fuss and have everyone knowing my business over nothing."

"I would always ask my mom why? Why is he doing this? I did all the things I thought a woman should do. No matter what I did, I couldn't get satisfaction. My mom told me, "You'll never get it." I thought I did all the things a woman should do and I was wrong. I remember thinking of my ex, 'How could you beat me and then say that you love me?" Stacy said.

She finally hit her breaking point one night when her boyfriend came home from the bar and accused her of cheating; another fight erupted. Ironically, in the middle of the fight Stacy's brother happened to call and after a conversation with him, she was convinced her to take the baby and leave. "At that moment, I realized that every time he was hurt or crying, my heart would break. But he'd beat me and make me cry and not give a **** about it. It was like a breath of fresh air when I left."

During the separation, they shared custody of their son Verle, who was then three years old. "I had to let him take my son for four weeks at a time and I had never been away from my son before. It was depressing and that's when I became an alcoholic. Sometimes I would drink the whole four weeks that he was away from me," Stacy recalls.

A while after the final separation, Stacy received a call from her ex while she was staying with her mother. "He just kept saying, 'I'm going to ******* kill myself.' And that really made me freak out. He had told me that a lot of times before but I really believed him this time and I didn't want to be responsible for that." Stacy began to cry hysterically and reconsidered her plans on leaving, but before she had a chance to say she would go back, her mother hung up the phone on their conversation. "My mom told me, 'He's not really going to do it. If he were really going to do it he wouldn't have called. He's just trying to make you feel bad so you'll go back.' So I stayed off the phone with him for the rest of the day. The next time we did talk on the phone, he was being a jerk all over again. So my mom was right."

Stacy's first year away from her ex was the hardest. "I had really low self-esteem and at that point I thought independence was scary and I didn't think I was able to do it. He didn't like me working when I was with him and I didn't really know what to do with myself. But it had gotten to the point where I know that if I didn't leave him, I was going to end up killing him." Stacy grew into a deep state of bitterness to where she was very hateful, especially towards men. "I used bitterness and alcohol to get me through that first year."

One night while partying, Stacy ran into a good friend of hers that she'd known for a long time and he talked her through all of her issues that stuck with her long after the relationship was over. "I truly think the creator put him there to help me. He was able to convince me that not all men were jerks." It was after that that Stacy was able to completely move on with her life. She began thinking about the dreams of college she put aside when she met her ex and all the things that she wanted to do with her life.

Stacy gained full custody of her son and began her new life on a new reservation. "Right away, my dad and my brother wanted to marry me off. My brother's pick was a younger man and I really didn't want to give him a chance because he was so young. But I know that my brother doesn't like too many men and if he does like this guy, he must be ok, and that's why I gave him a chance." Stacy began spending time with this new man and right away she saw that he was different. "I would be trying to take him to come and drink with me and he would say, 'Go ahead, but I don't really like drinking. I just want to spend time with you. You can go ahead and go party if you want though, I'll do my own thing.' Then, I noticed that he wouldn't be mad over things that I expected him to be. If we had a problem, or a fight, I wouldn't get in trouble for questioning him or having an opinion," she says.

Stacy went on to have a child with her new boyfriend and he asked her to marry him. She was hesitant but she cared for him so much she didn't want to hurt him, and so she agreed. "When my grandma found out I was getting married she was very bitter about all of it and told me not to do it. In our beliefs, if you have a baby with someone, there is a bond to that person. She told me to go back to my ex and work it out. In her eyes having a new baby with someone else was wrong. I told her, 'I'm sorry grandma but look at you. You're so bitter for loving grandpa all these years and I don't want to be like that. Would you want me to get beat and possibly killed with my ex or move on and be happy?' Eventually Stacy's grandma came around to loving her husband.

Stacy's new relationship has been through some problems and a lot of them were a result of insecurities that haunt her from her past. "It took a long time for me to trust my husband. Even though he's good to me I still feel fearful and at times I get insecure. Afterwards I apologize and let him know that it's my own issues and I'm still dealing with them. There were times in our fights when my husband would tell me, 'I'm not you're ex."

Stacy's husband helped her overcome a big portion of insecurities and he taught her to love. "A major difference in my relationship compared to before is the way we work out our problems. When we're upset with each other we can be in the same house all day and not say one word to each other. We'll stay in separate rooms until we're ready to talk. Communication is a very important part of any relationship and that's what I've learned to do from my relationship with my husband."

One day Stacy's son Verle was on the phone with his father and he asked to talk to Stacy. She was very hesitant because they only spoke when needed. "He actually said that he was truly sorry for what he had done and he was too young to have relationship when we were together. He told me he always thought I was a good woman. At that point it was like my heart had been fully mended from the past."

Today, Stacy is very successful in her career and has a good family. "It feels good to have my own home, raise my own kids, and have my own career."

For a final thought to women that are in the situation she was in, Stacy offers the following: " I want them to ask themselves where do you see yourself? What do you want to do with your life? How will you take care of yourself? The number one thing you need to be worrying about is yourself. No one else will make things better for you or take care of you the way you can. There are too many women allowing this to happen to themselves."

If you are in an abusive relationship and you want out, contact the Crime Victim's Advocate Program on further advice as well as protection. You can contact their program through the toll free number: 1 (877) 231-5172, the CVA office: 675-2700 (extension: 1180), or evenings at: 675-4700.

If you are in immediate danger, call 911.